Media Spew

Isn't She Lovely.

2009-06-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

I know it's been an inexcusable amount time since the last entry, so that's why I thought I'd start again with something to "tit"ilate the visual palette (har har har...).

I would like to introduce everyone to possibly one of the most beautiful creatures of the world. I don't know her real name, but I think it's probably something along the lines of Debra or Janice...or maybe even a Mary, doesn't that sound nice?

I mean, seriously, how fortunate is this woman to have long, cripsy platinum blonde hair embracing a face that can only be reminiscent of a classic 1940's movie star or Worf from the Klingon clan. Debra/Janice/Mary leaves so much to the imagination, it's hard not to wonder what lies beneath those glassy, black rimmed eyes. And those lips! I bet it's just like kissing a little chimp from the zoo and has the texture of rubbing up with a piece of smooth, rubbery bologna.

As if her facial beauty is not captivating enough, she also has been blessed with God given curves. As if she would be lucky enough to have breasts so voluptuous they look like pleather stretched over bowling balls! I don't usually get jealous, but it's a little hard not to, am I right ladies? I bet that each one of those sacks contains it own heart beat, and clenched in the middle is where she holds her secrets. Something tells me someone lactates rainbows...not that I'm hinting or anything :).

In any case, when all is said and done about her physique, does she still have a personality. You bet! You can see this sweet charitable woman directing the Children's Amputee choir and breast-feeding the elderly. Not only that but she still has the time to donate locks of her hair to men with balding pubic regions AND run a soup kitchen for STI victims. Can you say 'Jesus in disguise' much? I dare say, it's hard to tell the difference at this point!

Ladies, fine gentlemen, let's take a look back at history and remember the women we THOUGHT were changing the world. Forget them. They are nothing but a bunch of no good floozies. Bra burning? Despicable. We all know what gravity does...it pulls things down. In this circumstance, those things are called "pride", which means the more pride you have, the more lift you need so it doesn't drag you down.

Let us give thanks to women like this...without them, who knows where we'd be.

Precious Is NOT Glitter 2

2009-05-18T18:53:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure what to think when I heard Lee Daniels' film "Precious" was housing a role for Mariah Carey. My first thoughts were, "oh god, not another Glitter movie" (which I think we all can agree was phenomenal.) As I began watching the trailer with suspicion, it didn't take me long to A) Realize this was not another musky flavoured Mariah Carey movie and B) It actually looks quite good!

The film is an adaptation of a book called "Push" by Sapphire and details the life of a sixteen-year-old girl, pregnant for the second time, and growing up in an abusive household in Harlem. At first, I had a hard time accepting Mariah Carey's role as an average every social worker -- what? No jean cut off shorts and high heels? Why aren't her boobs squeezing out of a toddler sized tank top? Impossible! The thing is, her performance actually looks pretty decent! American comedienne Mo'nique also plays an amazing role as a highly abusive mother with a palette for cardiac-arrest inducing entrees (ie. refer to trailer). In addition to this, even Lenny Kravitz plays a role in the film as a nurse! I didn't see him in the trailer, but maybe his role allows him to cure patients with music...and ironically that music will make it onto the "Precious" soundtrack.

Aside from some cheesy after-school-special bits that I noticed in the trailer, I think the film is going to be good and depressing. It's really the only way I know the summer is coming. There will be enough vitamin D by then that we'll only be paralyzed by depression for only a day or so as opposed to 6 months in the winter time. Seriously, check out the trailer though. I have a feeling that this is what Beyonce was aiming for in her movie "Obsessed" but failed to realize you have to have emotion and not recycled dance moves choreographed into an ass kicking if you want to play a human being.

Check out the trailer!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuDqIHXI8jc

John and Kate plus 18 Year Old...Well...23

2009-05-18T05:14:00.000-07:00

First, I would just like to start off by saying that I was right...I was right all along. While TLC fans surround their flat screen monitors watching this "incredible" American family, all I could think was, "That man hates his life." In which case I am referring to Jon. Now everyone can stop living in denial and see the truth behind Jon and Kate Plus Eight...or I guess nine if you include his mistress.

Honestly, I feel bad for them, and I'm sure they love their kids and all (or at least TLC does), but in Jon's defence, it must be hard living with a woman who has an insatiable thirst for network TV stardom and hair that resembles a hostile male peacock's feathers. What is with that spray of short hair at the back? It also kind of reminds me of those dinosaurs with frilly necks who shoot deadly tar spit from their mouths....but instead she shoots out babies.

Although all this controversy is unfortunate for the children, who are probably too distracted by the mountain of toys they receive on a daily basis to care anyways, I think a divorce would have really positive outcomes. Kate will use her mediocre stardom to star and produce in her own mom-style advice show. It will be her and a posse of helmet hair moms talking about the trials and tribulations of motherhood while her children wander around aimlessly in the background dressed in uniforms and barricaded by an invisible electric fence and bengal tigers. Jon on the other hand will start up his own educational porn business and become a professional dolphin rider.

This will be the most exciting divorce ever!!!!

X-Tina Gets Stanky On The Big Screen

2009-05-06T10:58:00.000-07:00

I know this is a couple of days old already...but I simply couldn't resist. It has been confirmed that the boobly blonde singer, Christina Aguilera, will be starring in her first major film Burlesque!

The film's plot, much like most young woman's dreams, follows a smalltown girl who then fulfills her lifetime goals after joining an LA neo-burlesque club. So for anyone who thought they could get a down-payment on a car by being a doctor or a construction worker, forget about it. Dreams and careers are all based around burlesque dancing now. Especially if you're nursing a child (the more cleave the better ladies and gentlemen). In addition to this, it's being directed by Steve Antin...this will get better in a minute I swear. Not only is Steve Antin the Executive Producer and Co- Developer of Pussy Cat Dolls Presents: Girlicious, he played a preppy asshole named Troy Perkins in The Goonies! Ok, maybe it's not that interesting, but it's nice to know who's in charge of a show that has live dancing blow up sex dolls for the cast. Well done.

In any case, it's really nice to see the X-tina hasn't given up on fame and is fying for such challenging character roles, not to mention the fact that singing and dancing is involved. How will she ever pull it off? Either way, I've enjoyed watching all of her horrific transformations, but perhaps motherhood will be the most horrifying of all. Now she's got to shed that mommy exterior leading to something more disasterous...and it looks as though it has already begun.

Drop Dead Fack!

2009-04-28T06:43:00.000-07:00

It's hard enough to see perfectly well crafted movies being remade into something either shittier, or at times, interesting ways, but here's a remake I'm not really sure how to swallow. Drop Dead Fred is rumoured to be in the process of a remake! What!? Why!?

For those of you who aren't familiar with this film, it stars Phoebe Cates and a hyper-active Rik Mayall. Basically, it's about a woman who's marriage suddenly turns into a steaming pile of poop and she has to move in with her uptight cougar mother. As a result of these unfortunate events, the invisible friend of her childhood past is ressurected to help her deal with her life and leave a trail of dog shit in his wake.

The film is either known by some, or has never existed. This is partially due to poor marketting and an audience who didn't appreciate boog flicking and looking up women's skirts. Needless to say, I loved this movie, even though the film left me terrified of suddenly having a crazed invisible friend attacking me in my sleep. If I remember correctly my invisible friend had a dolphin coming out of his chest and the squealing from that thing was unbearable.

Anyways, the remake supposedly had Russel Brand as the invisible friend Fred but no word on Phoebe Cates character. The fate of the script has been left in the hands of Land Of the Lost's Dennis McNicholas, which Ain't It Cool News wrote on their site that it will have a "Beetlejuice vibe" to it.

The whole idea of my favourite childhood movie being absolutely massacred by Hollywood doesn't please me at all, nor does the idea of my dolphin-chested invisible friend being realized in my adulthood.

Matthew Perry 17 again? No thanks. Zac Efron? 17 4eva.

2009-04-20T19:14:00.000-07:00

If you haven't had the chance to see the biggest blockbuster of the year - don't. Actually no, wait, do, because if you ask me, 17 Again has the potential of being one of the most controversial films of the year. Controversial? You say... Zac Efron?! You say...let me explain. Obviously, I bought my tickets early to beat the teeny bopper rush which meant that someone young would undoubtedly be sitting next to me (teeny boppers are sooo predictable). That someone must have been around 4 years old - MAX. Strange, but it fits well with weirdness of the film. Anyways, the lights go down and the movie starts rolling and all the little girls start squealing, including myself whose squeal could have been mistaken for the four year olds. Then BAM! Efron's glistening sweaty body emerges at one point sneaking in a nod to High School Musical during a dance sequence then BAM! Teen pregnancy? Ohmigod that's not funny. BAM! Efron's sweaty bodice. I guess teen pregnancy isn't that bad. BAM! Description of Afghan women being dragged through the streets? Nevermind! Zac Efron looks sooo good in plaid. But let's not forget the gay stereotypes...and so on...and so on.

It was so confusing. Why one moment am I offended, but then quickly detoured to Zac's stunning chest? How can I mentally fight that? Offensive. Glistening body. Uncalled for. Here's some Efron grin to forget all that. It's like being put in that eye lid opener in A Clockwork Orange, but very much obligingly and then thinking...dammit! Dammit he did it again! Seriously though, why was that little girl laughing at the Afghan women being dragged in the street? That was weird. Like, wrong weird.

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is this film took a lot of weird turns that more often than not were uncalled for and the worst part is...there was a response almost every single time. Parents? Guardians? Are we telling children if they don't eat their vegetables that they're going to be dragged through the streets and stones? Wouldn't hurt to try I guess....especially if your kids think it's funny anyways. Listen, I don't want to bust anybodies hopes and dreams for this movie. Come on, you knew it was going to be terrible. If it's any cancellation, Zac Efron's body was worth the $8.50 of sexiness (usually it's $12 but I went for the senior price...and I'm not ashamed).